How's your heart?

A short story about mine.

A few weeks ago, I felt lightheaded while doing yard work that involved frequently switching from squatting to standing. I hadn’t checked my blood pressure in a long time, but even the suggestion of it to rule out issues flooded my body with irrational fear.

Photo Credit: Mary Long (iSTock)

At the height of my hyperthyroidism crisis, my heart rate and blood pressure were elevated enough that my doctor prescribed optional medication to shield me from these side effects while my thyroid function stabilized. When I sat with the idea of taking the pills, this created a sense of relief in my body, so I started a low dose. During this brief time period in early 2025, I monitored my blood pressure regularly. This was an unpleasant but important learning experience.

For reasons I couldn’t understand then, my body would ramp up just seeing the machine as though wild animals are chasing me. That feeling of the cuff tightening? ALERT ALERT DANGER THIS IS NOT SAFE! (Is it just me? Can you relate?)

I worked through some layers of this because I had to. I really wanted to make sure my heart was okay. It reassured me to watch my numbers resume healthy, normal ranges. As my thyroid regained balance, I weaned myself off the medication and continued to monitor my blood pressure and heart rate diligently for about six weeks. Everything remained stable, so I stopped.

Given this history, I was blindsided by the resurgence of panic at the idea of checking my blood pressure again. With this level of stress racing through my body, it wasn’t surprising that my levels were higher than they should be— especially my heart rate. That’s something I do monitor, and it was significantly above my resting heart rate. But I couldn’t rationalize myself out of it. For a few days my body was a pinball machine of fear bouncing from one spot to the next, especially when I checked my blood pressure a few more times.

I spoke tenderly to myself as I processed within and in conversation with people I trust. The origin story of whatever was getting activated inside me felt both genetic and connected to cellular memory from ancestral trauma and past lives.

The stand-out theme that emerged was an intense terror I would be judged, found wanting, and abandoned. This is unsurprising given the religious indoctrination that’s burdened around seven generations on both sides of my family. One of the central themes? You are born a sinner. You will be banished from the presence of God (i.e., Love) if you don’t follow the rules perfectly and sacrifice your intuition in service to external authority. (Okay, this is maybe an oversimplification. I wrote a whole nuanced book about it, but generalization suffices for my point here).

So I started talking to my heart:

“You are not under any pressure. You are not being judged. I am so grateful for you. I love you. You’re doing an amazing job keeping me alive. You are not going to be punished or abandoned. I just need more information so I can take better care of you.”

Experience has taught me that physical integration takes linear time. I waited a week to check my blood pressure again. It was better but still elevated.

I’m definitely open to medication or supplements when needed. But when I meditated and gave my body my full presence and focus, neither of these rang any bells.

What was my heart asking for?

Like many of you reading this, I juggle a lot of responsibilities. Even though I generally like the disparate roles I play, it’s overwhelming. I’m doing my best in the wake of my thyroid lessons, but some days it feels impossible to slow down long enough to really rest.

Given my genetic predisposition to high blood pressure, I want show my heart that there’s a different way to process stress, that we don’t need to follow that old program. On the heels of this realization I felt a nudge to return to a meditation practice of 20 minutes, two times per day. I learned this method in a weekend class with a friend over a decade ago. While I still use the skillset, it’s informal and random.

I could tell this was IT because my heart seemed to sigh with relief. What did I have to lose?

It’s been almost a week, and wow, am I grateful to return to this practice. It helps me so much to start the day in deep listening within.

A couple of days I’ve missed my second meditation. And that’s okay. Rigidity is never going to resonate for me! It’s not about perfection but about building trust within.

When I meditate, my whole body receives the benefit of restoration. It’s like I’m emptying the vacuum or taking out the trash to give myself capacity again. During those time periods, I am being, not doing. I’m showing my body that THIS is the new program, not what I’ve inherited. I’m making good on my promise to take care of myself.

This morning I saw the blood pressure cuff next to my laptop. I haven’t checked since I started meditating again. Honestly? I did not want to. But I do want to be “fear-facing” (phrase coined by brilliant teacher and author Sonya Renee Taylor). Right away, the decision to check activated my body. To a lesser degree than before, but still.

My reading was 130/74. I closed my eyes and dropped into the place inside where I meditate. I spoke to my heart again, “Please help me to understand what you need. There’s nothing to be afraid of. You’re safe. I love you. I just want accurate information.” I pictured myself as a giant redwood standing in the sun, roots deep connected. And I kid you not—a few minutes later, my second reading was 116/72.

Cue the tears.

Working through this experience is like “homework” from the Universe as I prepare for my upcoming retreat. There are 11 of us gathering so far!

Grandmother Elephant gave me the number 12 in meditation, and I’ve accidentally written 13 several times. This suggests to me someone is IN but hasn’t registered yet, while someone else is still on the fence. I’m trusting my impulse to share this story today in case it reassures either one. Registration ends June 5. I’m happy to answer questions. It’s going to be an amazing weekend!

Love,

P.S. It’s vulnerable to share health details online. I want be clear about the boundaries I’m holding in doing so: I do not want medical advice, nor am I offering you any. Caring for ourselves is private and highly individualized. My only purpose in sharing is to offer evidence that dialoguing with your body is a powerful complement to any other approach you pursue. What that looks like for you (or not) is entirely within your discretion!

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